As I eagerly made plans this week to attend the Cincinnati showing of the “Vagina Monologues,” my thoughts digressed to the downtrodden women of Afghanistan. At the mercy of a religion-skewering regime, these women have been oppressed, abused, and tortured. They have been deprived of the right to attend school, pursue a career, and even leave their homes without a male escort. Their lifestyle, if you can call it that, is wholly unimaginable, given the freedoms women in the U.S. enjoy.
And so Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar, and all of you cowardly hate-mongering disciples all over the world, you may have stripped the women under your rule of their voices, but you will never silence the spirit of the female race. I believe I can echo the sentiment felt by American women when I offer you just a sample of the punishment you would be dealt at our hands, should you be captured alive and tried before a panel of freedom-embracing females.
Donning a burqa you will not be, bin Laden. After implanting obnoxiously large breasts, a la Pamela Anderson, onto your scrawny little boy body, you will be forced to wear a bustier, hot pants, thigh high boots, and a neon bullseye on your butt-the perfect ensemble for your first meeting with your cellmates, the man-rapists.
And lest we forget you, Mullah Omar, you shall be permitted to keep the one beady little eye you have left, not because you don’t deserve to have it gouged out with a rusty spoon, but so that you will be able to carry out your sentence-forced viewing of hour upon hour of Oprah, “the most powerful woman in the world.” Just when you think you can tolerate no more of the “infidel way of life,” you will be forced to watch more. And then maybe we will see about gouging out that eye.
If neither of you are brought back alive, I can only hope that the bullet or blast that robs you of the life you do not deserve is delivered by one tough, pissed-off servicewoman. And I hope her face is the last thing you see when you gasp your final breath.