So the other day I was in the computer lab reading about the killing machines we know as bears, when I heard the whiny screech of a Fallout Boy song coming from my left. As I looked over to find the source of this lyrical diarrhea, it stopped, and I heard someone answer the phone: “Hello.” She then proceeded to have a full conversation about her erotic encounter with a guy she met at a bar the previous night (a true story, I really heard someone talk about this). I tried to turn away, but I couldn’t. I was drawn to her conversation like a moth to a flame.
It was then that it hit me: I hate cell phones. I am sure everyone reading has at one time or another been annoyed by someone else’s use of a cell phone. Disgusted by the lack of American cell phone etiquette, I came up with a way to get back at the cell phone users that annoy us so very much.
The idea is simple, when you hear that random person sitting next to you on his or her cell phone, yammering on about his or her worthless endeavors, just listen and be sure to pay attention to details, because details are key. Once the person hangs up, immediately respond to them. You have to strike as soon as you hear the click of their phone closing, or this will lose its effect. There are two basic ways to respond effectively.
The first way is the comment. This is the most simple of the two. All you have to do is make a comment relevant to their conversation. Using the example of someone talking about her children acting up. Say something to let her know you were listening, and not a weak comment like “sounds like you had fun.” It needs to be strong, bold, powerful and a little hurtful, something like “If you love your kids, beat them.” This is a great way to let someone know that you heard their conversation and you were not happy about the interruption. The best part about this is you don’t have to keep up a conversation. You just make a statement and let the person know you heard the conversation. The down side is that they generally make a comment back, but luckily I have come up with a blanket statement that will cover anything they say to you and leave them speechless: “I don’t care.” These three words will stop any conversation or attack because there is no come back for it.
The other way is the question. Ask the person a question as if you were part of the conversation. This is my favorite of the two methods. I personally use this on a regular basis. This method takes a little more effort than the others because you have to pay attention to their conversation and really listen so you can absorb all the information they give out whilst they unknowingly blurt their conversation to the world.
The key in this method is the details. The more in-depth you can get, the more uncomfortable and embarrassed the person will become. A few key details to listen for are names, activities and embarrassing moments. These make a question more personal and, when brought up by a stranger, embarrassing and uncomfortable.
For example if the person said, “I walked out with my shirt tucked into my underwear,” then you might ask, “Were you wearing tighty whities?” Or if you heard the person talk about a friend named Bob, you could talk about “our friend Bob.” The basic principle here is to keep the conversation going as if they never hung up the phone. This is sure to let people know that you listened to their conversation and will most likely make them extremely uncomfortable.
So it’s time to take a stance and fight back. If you have ever been interrupted by someone’s lack of cell phone etiquette and general rudeness, feed it right back to them with these two methods. What can anyone do about it?
If they get mad at you, give them a valuable money saving coupon (I always keep three or four in my wallet for just such an occasion), because, after all, everyone likes to save money. Maybe next time they will think twice before answering their cell phone.