Note to the reader: This article serves no purpose but to entertain, which it does very poorly.I’d like to think I don’t contradict myself, but I do. I’d like to think I’m simple, but I’m the most complicated person I know. In this article, I’m going to let all three of you readers know a little bit about myself, and hopefully you’re entertained to a point.
I’ve been given a stage to say whatever I want, but instead, I’m writing this piece of garbage. I told our editor I would write a great article, but instead, this will be scoffed at and laughed at, and not for the reasons I’d like.
So where should I begin? Probably nowhere, but I will anyways. I was born in Indianapolis, but I live in Ohio. I love the big city, but I live in a small town called Piqua (pop. 20,000). I was raised on basketball, but I actually hate watching the NBA, and my two teams in the NCAA, IU and UC, usually choke by the Sweet Sixteen. I was a great athlete growing up, but now I’m a musician. I grew up listening to country, but I worship rock and roll.
People think I’m extremely self-deprecating, but I think I can do anything. People think I’m somewhat handsome, but I know that I could kick George Clooney’s butt, so I don’t really care if he’s better looking than me. I’m no Brad Pitt, but I think Jennifer Anniston should take a chance on me.
My bank account is constantly in the red, but I get paid hundreds of dollars every time my band plays a show. I live in excess, but I prefer to shop at Goodwill and drink Burnett’s vodka instead of Absolut or Tanqueray. And when I say I live in excess, I don’t mean like a millionaire, but like a rock star.
I love women, but they despise me. I’m the perfect gentleman, but girls my age absolutely hate that. I could be a hardass if I wanted to be, but I’m too nice a guy for that. I was two belts away from being a black belt in Taekwando, but I wanted to be Marshall Faulk instead, so of course, I stopped training.
My favorite player in the NFL is Peyton Manning, a quarterback, but I played wide receiver and cornerback in high school. I could catch a football, but even though a lot of my friends go to BGSU, I can’t catch an STD. I should probably consider this a blessing.
I love George W. Bush, but no one else really seems to. I almost voted for Kerry, but then I remembered to take my medicine that morning.
Now people wish I hadn’t taken my Prozac since I live in Ohio. My first rock concert was Rush, but I love Green Day. I’ve played on stage, in concert with Green Day three times, but I will probably never get a record deal. I love technology, but my cell phone is five years old. I love country music, but I lost my accent years ago. I worship the metal gods of the 1980’s, but the thought of hooking up with a groupie scares the hell out of me.
I would love to get married and have kids, but I’m way too young, and I haven’t had enough fun yet. All of my friends are in Bioengineering and DAAP, but I’m in Communication. I will probably die young, yet I’ll probably have lived more than most of the people I’ll meet on my journey. My editor will probably hate this article, but, actually, yeah, you probably should.
If you liked what you read, please check out my blog and other fun stuff at www.myspace.com/scottierock28.