Is it just me, or do long distance relationships have a really bad rep? It seems like everywhere you go, there’s someone who has a story about an amazing, loving couple who broke up after one person went away to grad school, got a job transfer, or joined the military. In many ways, that’s not surprising. After all, with the hectic lifestyle most people lead nowadays, it is difficult enough to keep a relationship going when both parties are living together in the same city. So you can very well imagine that throwing in the additional factor of long distance can only make matters more complex.
There is the issue of not being able to see your significant other on a regular basis, not to mention the costliness and time that goes into travelling to visit him or her. And then of course there are the more subtle difficulties that come with that kind of a separation.
For one thing, there will undoubtedly be bouts of jealousy on one or both sides, as it is impossible for the partners to really know what the other one is doing when the two are apart. Furthermore, maintaining a long distance relationship means having to go the extra mile when it comes to communication. All of a sudden, hanging out or making out will not get you through the month. Instead, the only way to keep the relationship going between visits is through verbal interaction, be it via phone, e-mail, or even the occasional letter.
For many, this can be the hardest part. After all, some people are just not very good at holding a long conversation, while others tend to go through life under the “out of sight, out of mind” mantra. These qualities can be very detrimental to any relationship, but especially to one that involves a prolonged separation for the couple.
And then, of course, there is the issue of physical intimacy.or rather, lack thereof. I mean let’s be completely honest, sex is kind of a big part of any healthy relationship, and being able to see your boyfriend or girlfriend only once a month really cuts into the amount of time you have for doing it.
Having said all this, I would still like to argue that there are a number of upsides to doing long distance, at least for a period of time. Obviously, two people cannot do it forever, but in my opinion, spending some time apart can only work to strengthen the relationship.
For one thing, being apart from your boyfriend or girlfriend can be very conducive to staying focused on your other responsibilities. I think that this point is particularly relevant for those of us in grad school, as many programs tend to be very rigorous and demanding, requiring a lot of focus. So if you are living in close proximity to a significant other, it might be very tempting to neglect your work to spend all the time with him or her.
While in the short-run this might do wonders for your relationship, in the long term it can severely impact your academic performance.
Additionally, long distance can be a really good way to keep your independence in check. It is not uncommon for couples to become so engrossed in the relationship that they neglect to pursue their own interests. As a result, they become completely dependent on one another for everything from recreation to emotional support. Or alternatively, one of the partners will absorb the social life of his or her significant other in lieu of maintaining or forming his or her own. Either way, such an approach can be severely limiting in terms of personal development and variety of experience for the couple and if, down the line, the relationship were not to work out, both partners would have an extremely difficult time reintegrating into their social circles as single people.
This problem, however, can be avoided a lot more easily in the case of a long distance relationship. After all, not being able to see your significant other on a regular basis does not give you the chance to get blindly absorbed in the relationship. Instead, the time apart forces each partner to develop and maintain his or her own interests, experiences, and social circles, without compromising them for the sake of the relationship.
Furthermore, we cannot forget about the fact that absence makes the heart grow fonder. And in many ways that is true. When you are apart from your significant other for a marked period of time, you are a lot less likely to take the time you do have to spend together for granted. This means no stupid fights or arbitrary yelling, no disregard for each other’s feelings, and no premature loss of the spark that set off the relationship in the very beginning. So basically, while long distance cuts back on the time a couple gets to spend together, it also really improves the quality of that time.
Finally and perhaps most importantly, long distance is a very good way to test the seriousness of the partner’s commitment. As I have previously enumerated, there are a number of significant obstacles that stand in the way of long distance relationships.
But that is actually a good thing.
The multitude of complications that come with the territory of long distance can be a great benchmark for the level of dedication both partners are willing to contribute to making the relationship work.
If the two parties always want to talk to one another over the phone and go out of their way to visit their partners as frequently as possible, this is a very good sign. More specifically, these elements clearly indicate that there is a lot of commitment and compatibility in the relationship, and it is worth pursuing.
On the other hand, long distance can be a great way to break through a false illusion of the perfect relationship. If during the separation one or both of the individuals find their interest in calling and visiting waning, that might be a warning sign that the relationship was not as strong as it appeared to be under more favorable circumstances.
The bottom line is that being in close proximity to your boyfriend or girlfriend trumps all. However, if you are put into the position of a long distance relationship, it is not the end of the world. In fact, it might even be precisely the thing that helps you keep a healthy balance between academics, friends, and significant others, all the while giving you the opportunity to figure out where this relationship is going.
And hey, when it comes to the physical stuff, there are always webcams and phone sex!