“Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.””Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”
“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
“I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.”
“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”
“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”
“I believe, there is intelligence to the universe, except certain parts of New Jersey.”
“My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.”
“All men are mortal.
Socrates was mortal.
Therefore, all men are Socrates.”
“I turned quickly and asked her out for a date, but Peter O’Toole, who’s in the movie, asked her out first – aces me out – and she was a beautiful girl, so I said to her “Could you bring a sister for me?”, and she did: Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow night. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that ‘He’ was extremely well adjusted, for an only child.